The First Act

At first sight, his address is certainly not striking; and his person can hardly be called handsome, till the expression of his eyes, which are uncommonly good, and the general sweetness of his countenance, is perceived. --Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility

       First impressions. They are either completely erroneous, or everlasting. Either way, first impressions are immensely important, as is common knowledge. What isn't so obvious, however, is how to make a good first impression. Flimsy, secondhand advice such as Be yourself, Don't mumble, Have a strong handshake, Make eye contact, drifts lazily and unhelpfully through a panicking mind when one is faced with the frightening prospect of meeting someone for the first time. What we really wish (well, maybe I shouldn't speak for everyone else in this; maybe it's just me) is that when we meet this person, whoever they may be, we would be able to look them in the eye, and be able to see to the very depths of who they are. We wish they would do the same to us--peer deep inside us, to the bottom of the dried-up wells that our hearts have become, and understand. We wish they would like us immediately, even as they see the things inside us that shame us, embarrass us, hurt us.
       Let's be honest: we all know that first impressions don't count for much, not when we are practically auditioning for the other person, trying to earn their immediate approval. No matter how we address them, how we carry ourselves, how alluring we have fixed ourselves up to be...none of it matters. If they are the kind of person who can look into another's eyes and read a history, or are able to decipher the lines in a face and glean from it poetry, there is no use trying to deceive them. It is not about how we present ourselves, but rather about how our experiences present themselves. Despite what you might think, it is not the appearance or the carriage that makes a man; it is not how well he can hide his feelings, history, or thoughts. What makes a man is how his feelings, his history and his thoughts convey themselves through his expression, his very being. 
        I have a difficult task set before me: to express myself through words, mere letters strung together like candy beads on a child's necklace. Sadly, reader, you cannot look me in the eye and try to read there, in my irises, all that I have to say here; that would make it a lot easier for both of us. (And while I'm being honest, no one really can do that; not even California Psychics. If we really could look in other's eyes and read their entire life story there, there would be more compassion in this world.) Expression is one of the most difficult arts to master; it takes courage, honesty, and the ability to laugh at oneself. If you don't have those traits, or at least have the will to possess those traits, you will never truly, deeply connect with another human being. You will be stuck in a sort of music box carousel relationship, only ever singing the same shallow song, only ever treading the same elliptical course. This blog is about breaking away from that, about trying to hum a different ditty, trying to dance a different waltz--a more intimate ditty (if ditty's can be intimate), a more intimate waltz. It all sounds very cheesy and superficial. But I believe that is because this tale has only just begun. (Then again, it may be because it is one-thirty in the morning, and I am functioning on less than seven hours of sleep and No. Coffee.) There is no character development yet; it's only the beginning of the story! Wait 'til we get to the climax! This is only the first act! Wait until the season finale! I feel like Bilbo Baggins, just setting out on a journey that's going to lead me only-God-knows-where. But it is not where I am led that makes the difference; "It is the journey that matters, in the end," as Hemingway put it. 
       Along the way, I can assure you that there will be poetry, rants, existential crises, and hormonal tirades (primarily about unrequited love). There will be humor--depending on how I choose to perceive my situations--insomnia, and there will be growth. Also, there will be Josh Hutcherson fangirl-ing and the occasional meme. You have been warned.
       Maybe my "address" hasn't been exactly charming, but I do hope that my expression has caught your interest. I hope that a year from now, we can look back together on how far we all have come. And if you are feeling nauseous from all of these cliches, then thank God I am too and let's call it quits and spare ourselves before my insomnia-numbed mind spills out anymore, shall we?

All the love,

Ashlynne <3

Not all those who wonder are lost. --J. R. R. Tolkien

The only journey is the one within. --Rainer Maria Rilke